Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

So after each movie I’m left with the aftertaste of it on my mind. I’ll be honest, Shocker is still just as present with me now as it was the day I watched it and I’m still not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But each movie sort of pushes me into the next. Yesterday was Scanners. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t really all that good either. It just was. I watched it. It was a thing. Life has moved forward. But being that it was a slower paced burn with story telling that didn’t have much pizzazz or effects with any bang for their buck, it was uneventful to say the least. So when it came time to pick a movie today and I scanned the list, Hansel and Gretel jumped out at me. Now there was another version of this fairy tale that made a cinematic splash back in 2020 but that one was a bit more dedicated to the horror side of things. This outing has a little more bang for it’s buck when it comes to that excitement factor. Starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton in the protagonist leads of the film, this interpretation of the old fable kicks things up a notch.

Admittedly it’s been a minute since I’ve read, or consequentially had someone read to me, this story. But I remember the highlights pretty well. A couple little German kids, hence the names, go into the woods. I seem to remember a trail of breadcrumbs in the original. That was omitted in this version. I think the original was more a cautionary tale for children ala today’s talks of “Stranger danger”. Swapping out the candy cottage for an unmarked panel van was an unfortunate swap in my 1980’s childhood upbringing, this story maintains that delectable dwelling deep in the woods. However, the children did not wander into it’s midst. Their father essentially dropped them in the woods and left them. Seems pretty harsh. Maybe he couldn’t watch another Minecraft video on YouTube or had listened to his last “Skibidi Toilet” anecdote (these are hallmarks of today’s youth, I promise) but the kids had to be dealt with and taking them to the middle of the scraggly woods and leaving them in the dead of night seemed to be his coping mechanism. They do unpack the story a little later in the film but initially this is what we’re left with to open the movie. The kids find the candy cottage and as children would, they begin to eat the house and are promptly greeted by a horrific looking witch and are captured. The house is not just functional as a one bedroom cottage nestled in a heavily forested neighborhood with an open floor plan and spacious kitchen for ample meal prep and excellent for hosting dinner parties, it’s also made of candy that you can just peel off and shove into the mouth hole of a child in an attempt to fatten them up. Plus there’s the added bonus of no artificial sweeteners or Red Dye number 6. This candy is all natural so when you do plump that kiddie up, you aren’t digesting a lot of chemicals and preservatives, which is nice. However, Hansel and Gretel are new to this specific type of Caucasian gastronomy and decide to opt out by throwing the witch into her own oven and burning her alive. These kids are pretty hardcore. This is where you’d imagine the story ends and we get a happily ever after moment where the kids go back to their parents house, right? Nope. Just the tip of the proverbial iceberg, my friends. We are just getting started.

What I liked about this movie was that it was fun. Its very middle of the road action flick just with a “horror” bent because of the witches. This is primarily why this is a 31 Days of Horror deal and not 31 scary movies. Because many of these movies are not scary at all. And that’s not objectively speaking. If you were to truly find this movie haunting in any capacity, I don’t know what to tell you. Sure, the witches are pretty fugly. That’s by design. And the idea of adolescent cannibalism is pretty heinous. But that’s a part of what makes the witches bad and the moral of the story good. Don’t eat candy houses or hang out in wooded areas. It promotes both urban and suburban lifestyles and healthy eating. What’s not to applaud about that? But truly, there is nothing frightening about this movie. But it is exciting with a pretty regular pace. It doesn’t ever feel steeped in overtly CGI’d action sequences but it does balance the story they want to tell with proper beats regularly enough that you stay engaged with the overall film. The weaponry employed by Hansel and Gretel is somewhat period based but with some modern upgrades that still make it pretty fun. It’s a little cheesy at times but a movie like this calls for it. It reminded me regularly of Van Helsing with Hugh Jackman and Kate Beckinsale which I really appreciated. Renner and Arterton might not pull the same level of stardom, at least not when they made this film but Jackman and Beckinsale weren’t necessarily A-Listers when their outing came to theaters either. All in all, this movie is a lot of fun. It’s a good take on a story that’s not really been told to death so I’ll give them credit for that. There’s a fair amount of humor mixed in which keeps it pretty light as well. Overall it was a very welcomed switch from the drag that was Scanners.

Now what I wasn’t as big a fan of in the end. As fun as the movie is, it’s staying power isn’t great. It’s a fun watch for sure but there’s not much to the re-watchability of the film. It’s not one you’d do annually for sure. Since it’s such a themed action movie as well with the fable rooted story line, it also feels like you’d really have to be in the mood to want to watch this one. There are so many middle of the road action movies you can just put on for that white noise effect that this one wouldn’t be in the rotation due to it’s specific nature. While I’ve grown to really appreciate Jeremy Renner, primarily through his portrayal of Hawkeye in the MCU but also in a handful of other roles he’s played well, this film doesn’t play to many of his strengths unfortunately. He’s not heavy on dialogue so most of his presence is action based and a lot of that he’s not even a tremendously strong presence. He wins out in most of his skirmishes but to not overload his ability, he’s also thrown around quite a bit as well. Which fits the film as his character is a middle of the road sort of hero. He wins some. He loses some. At least with Hawkeye he seems to have a significant edge in his specialty. In a world with metal suits that shoot laser beams and fly, green muscular giants, patriotic super soldiers and literal gods from other realms, being the guy that shoots arrows feels like a real third tier kind of job on a good day. But his overall ability is not wasted comedically. He’s just as much of a contributor in many ways as his amped up counter parts. That’s why it was a little disappointing to see him bumble around as much as he does in the movie. Not that I want him to be OP (over-powered for you non gamer kids, not that I am one but I do know the lingo) but I’d have probably padded his stats a little more to where the laughs you get from throwing Renner into trees and buildings is much lesser than his overall badassery.

Gemma Arterton was also pretty forgettable as well. She seemed like she was supposed to be the brains of the operation and most of the storyline unfolding was primarily from her point of view. However, she was fairly bland overall. She was able to keep up with Renner’s level of combat in most cases which I did appreciate but there still did seem to be an element to her character that chipped away a bit at her credibility. For every moment where she headbutted someone and came across fiercely, she had a similar moment where she needed rescuing. They never seemed to really land on if she was her own person and didn’t need anyone’s help or a damsel in distress that could hold her own sometimes. Not that there is a specific duality that had to be satisfied one way or the other. But they seemed to present the two options and neither did they err to one side or the other, nor balance her well between the two. So she felt like she was in this limbo where you didn’t really know if she would be the champion of her scene or require someone to come get her and stand her back up. It wasn’t a tremendous detriment to her entire performance but it also didn’t do her any favors in making her a fully formed, three dimensional player in the story overall.

Ultimately I did have fun with this movie. I’d gladly recommend if you’ve not seen it and are in the mood for fare such as this. It wouldn’t be one I blanket recommend if you were in the mood for any movie but if this was the mode of something you were in the mood for, I’d put this high up on the list. The action is pretty reliable. The characters are a little underdeveloped but still likable and fun. The balance of story is decent. The laughs are peppered in well. I’d put the whole thing at a C+. I know that puts it in the territory of fair on that rewatch measure but I do that only because a C feels like it’s not quite where this film lands and interjects more detriment to it’s name than it deserves. Had they made a few tweaks here and there I think this film could have been a much firmer C+ or even a B-. I know we’re talking a relatively thin margin between those two ideas but the distance between them is far enough that a B- is really off the table for this film as is. if you are looking to fire up something in the monster family this Halloween season but you’re not in the mood for a lights out, frights out kind of flick then this one is a fun go. The action will keep you engaged and by the end I think you will have enjoyed yourself enough to be satisfied with the adventure. So that’s where we’ll leave our Deutschlandic Duo to their wanton witch wasting. Alliteration, ain’t it a thing. Until next time, kids, I’ll catch you on the flip side.