Is this the worst movie I've ever seen?

My first, and maybe biggest, gripe with this movie is the writing. Cheap ripoff horror movies like this one are typically going to have poorly assembles scripts. It's not mandatory. But for every Blair Witch Project, there's 10,000 other atrocious little weekend projects put to film. And in this modern era, that kind of rogue, low budget filmmaking is even easier to manufacture especially when precious little effort is put into the dialogue. I've been trying to figure out how to qualify just how bad it is. The level of sophistication feels like it's on par with a 13 year old boy but there'd have to be another impairment. It's not just the lack of elevation that harkens to a completely juvenile style of comedy, which is very present. Nothing is nuanced. Everything is in your face and offensive but not in a way that really even makes sense. It's like the Temu version of a failed Beavis and Butthead inspired sense of dialogue. I can do a script that is lacking in sophistication. That's not what this is. The jokes are so bad and off color that if there was a scale, they would have set it on fire and pissed on the ashes. Every scene is made of this too. Every exchange is beleaguered. I don't think there's a single scene that feels even remotely human.

From the writing, I have to pivot over to the acting. Not one single person in this movie can act. Not even a little bit. Not on accident. It's not as thought the dialogue would be easy to deliver but even if somebody had the tiniest bit of ability, they'd seem close to human. But every scene has some exhausted goal of trying to be a measure of funny that it will never be. The people trying to make it funny are not. I don't know what they think is funny but they are so far outside of anything that could be that we never get close to an actual joke. I can fully see what they're trying to do. It's all the lowest hanging fruit. I'm not above fart jokes. They're my bread and butter sometimes. But somehow this movie takes even "toilet humor", as Hank Hill would say, and ruin it. I don't know how you miss on a fart joke. But they did. More than once. Even sitting here thinking of how utterly egregious something like Silent Night, Deadly Night is, it's still miles beyond this movie. It's amazing that somehow the attempt at humor is so bad that it flies past that region where it's even fun to make fun of how bad it is. That's the problem. It shoots so far past it that you're just left aghast at what's actually happening on screen over and over.

I can't not address the raccoon either. I feel like somebody tried to explain to the folks who wrote this movie what a raccoon is but they did so while they were drunk, high, and with a mouth full of marbles. Also they only spoke Vietnamese. That's how we arrived at the puppet thing they used as the "crackcoon". I know with a limited budget that it's not going to look good. I get it. But there was just something completely ridiculous about what they did give us. Every scene it showed up in, which were just weirdly strung together vignettes of this crazy stuffed animal being chucked at people's necks from off camera, was a fever dream of nonsense. I knew they'd have to blend together close up shots and low budget gore, since these movies ALWAYS have some kind of insane bloody element to it, mixed with what they believe a cracked out raccoon should sound like. I'll give you that there's a little more to the totality of Crackcoon than the 1990 Canadian masterpiece "The Final Sacrifice" but that is an infinitely more entertaining movie. However the former had a production budget of presumably somewhere in the neighborhood of $20K-$30K and the latter was topping out at $1000 USD. So yeah, it's low budget but Zap Rowsdower outshines anyone in the cast and certainly the atrocity that was their faux trash panda.

I can't indulge even talking about this movie anymore at this point. I'm only stretching out for the exercise as it stands. This move is an F-. It's a Z. It's off the chats. Whatever the lowest grade you can get, double that and subtract infinity. It's not funny. It's not low budget charming. It's not even fun to make fun of. It is a dumpster fire of a movie if ever there was one. But even with that you could at least roast marshmallows or warm up. Sure, the smell is intense but there is some measure of value sneaking out somewhere. Crackcoon offers none of that. I do need Ron to watch this movie though, so I can at least talk to one other person who has seen it and purge some of my thoughts beyond this medium. But don't you watch it. It's not one of those like "I need to see if it really is that bad." Nope. You don't. Take my word for it. PLEASE. It's the worst. Hands down. So lets be done with this so we can move on. I'll definitely catch you on the flip side.